Apr 26, 2011
As if he was waiting for this all his life…as if everything … I’ m the only reality that I perceive…as if everything he’s done, he did it knowing that this will eventually come; it worth waiting; the only feeling he was sure of…he won’t lose it once again; he won’t; he’ll just keep it close, never letting go of him, never. He won’t do the very same mistake again; it wasn’t the right time for this; not now…Why was he thinking of that stupid, childish mistake? It was stupid, stupid of him…Come on, you can do it! Concentrate…just one step and it’s done; you don’t have to worry anymore! Why do you have to screw things all the time? Remember what she thought you! Never to quit…you have to work; you have to be a winner; only losers quit; only they can’t handle it; but you are my child! Mine! do you understand? Behave! listen to me! What will people say? If you fail, that is…They know me, they all know me! Do you know how hard was for me to build up a reputation? And now should I let you spoil everything that I achieved? Never, do you hear me? Never! I’ m the only reality that I perceive…I’m the only…I’ve been waiting for you to come; how shall I tell you that it’s impossible for me to leave you, now that I’ve found you; don’t judge me; you don’t know where I’ve been…you don’t know me; I’ll teach you sometimes that-to know me-, but not just now…later, ok? Later…now I just want to take a good look at your pretty face; you must have changed; I can feel it; I see you for the first time, but I can tell that you’ve changed…you must have, cause everybody does change; they do that cause they get bored and selfish and anxious to see more, to step to the next level, you know? I can’ t let you leave the way you came, without telling you how long I’ve been waiting for you…I don’t care if you leave, cause I know that all comes to an end; I’m too happy that you really exist, that you aren’t a lie. You are my spoon of reality. I’m the only reality that I perceive…A ridiculous mistake…a machine? A perfect machine… who began to…feel; it seemed impossible; someone, somehow should have thought it this abominable, terrifying, inappropriate thing…to feel; he lost it or should I say he lost her? Now he’s ready; then, long time ago, he couldn’t understand how this change could have occurred in her; she was just a project, a lifeless one, and when she began to talk, he just…went mad; he chased her, he turned his back on her telling that it was all her fault and that he had to go; you don’t have to think of that anymore…she knows that you won’t try to run again, just cause she’s different, just cause she feels that for you…Butterflies she said…butterflies…and you spoiled everything; you got scared; wasn’t it what you wished for all your life? Your miserable, lame life… come on make an effort; you’re almost there…You’re pathetic, useless, you won’t succeed in anything without me; just try and you’ll se; you’ll fail; you always do…O, mother, just shut the fuck up!!! I won’t listen to you anymore! You’re dead! Do you hear me? DEAD…I’ve killed you …I did. Just stay there; I don’t want you here; she doesn’t either. Now, where were we? Yes, I remember…You came; after all this time, you came…and I’M SITTING HERE ON THE ROOF TRYING TO TELL YOU THAT I LOVE YOU AND THAT AND I REALLY HAVE TO DROP YOU! You have to understand that my patience is lost; this virtue is lost for me; all things come to an end, not only the good ones, you know? I have to put an end of you, so that I can be free again, so that I can be human again; I long to feel something, anything. I’m a rock, I became of wood since you left me and now, that you finally came, I have to put an end TO MY NIGHTMARES…I lose my mind; I can’t control myself; I’ve been closed and injured for too long; this is my chance, a chance that I gave myself to destroy the evidence of your inconvenient existence; I made you; as your creator it’s almost a duty to kill you. That’s why I’M SITTING HERE ON THE ROOF TRYING TO EAT MY SICK BRAIN ; I HAVE A FORKE ON MY RIGHT HAND AND I’LL EAT MY BRAIN…I don’t know why; I’m a lefty… I thought for a moment that I can hear your voice actually calling me, so I turned back but it was nothing there; and then I had this image of me lying in the middle of the street; there were pieces of me all over the place and so I tried to put them head to head; I couldn’t. I saw a lighter on the table; I thought that it must be very cold…I’m the only reality that I perceive and things will remain that way, my way…I’M SITTING HERE ON THE ROOF…AND EVERYTHING IS EASY LIKE A FEATHER AND I’M DETERMINED TO FLOW CAUSE IN THE END I’LL REACH YOU AGAIN…A corpse is lying in the middle of the street; cars are splashing it; some of them avoid watching him and they just go on driving…HE’S THE ONLY REALITY I PERCEIVE…The only one left…as if he was waiting for her all his life.